How to Propose Part 4: “When will he propose?”
August 27, 2024
If you’ve been following along on this blog series so far, it’s been Hunter speaking directly to everyone out there who is planning to propose to their partner. This week, we’re switching it up! It’s Sarah here, and I’m shifting gears this week. Today, I’m speaking directly to all the girlfriends or boyfriends out there who are wondering, “when will he propose”? “Is she going to propose?” “Are they planning a proposal?” “WILL I EVER BE ENGAGED?!”
First Question: what do you really want?
Before we go any further, however, I want to ask you a very important question. Do you want a marriage, or a wedding? No, seriously. It may sound silly at first, but think on it for a moment. Are you more excited about spending the rest of your life with your partner? Do you get excited by the idea of being faithful to each other despite whatever life may throw at you? Or are you more excited about finding the perfect venue, setting the perfect catering menu, and picking out all the gorgeous florals?
Don’t get me wrong! We sincerely hope that you do want all of those things (and so much more) for your wedding day! But no matter how spectacular the wedding day is, it will come and it will go, and the day after your wedding, you’ll have a spouse. Whether you’ve been dating for a few months or a few years, committing to spend the rest of your life with someone is a huge decision. It’s one that will impact you day in and day out for the rest of your time on this earth!
“When will he propose?” Wedding vs. Marriage
In many cultures, weddings have become increasingly complex, expensive and extravagant affairs in recent years. For our grandparents, a ceremony in the church and a reception in the fellowship hall was enough for most couples. But now, as our social media-native generation grows up and has our own weddings, the focus has shifted more and more from the joining of two souls to having the TikTok-perfect wedding day.
And trust us, as wedding photographers, we find absolutely nothing wrong with big, beautiful and extravagant wedding days. This is the time to break the piggy bank and celebrate in a really special way! We also think that a wedding should be reflection of the love between the two partners. Since love is a beautiful thing, why shouldn’t a wedding day be beautiful too? Our only concern is when the desire for that Insta-worthy wedding day begins to overpower the desire for a happy, healthy and prosperous marriage.
So before you ask yourself, “When will she/he propose?”, ask yourself, “Do I really want a marriage, or do I just want a wedding?” Or maybe rephrase it this way, “If me and ____ got married at the courthouse, just the two of us, would I still be excited to be married?” Of course, you aren’t asking yourself if you’d be as excited as if you had an amazing wedding celebration. Obviously throwing a huge party with all your friends and family is going to be preferred. But would there be excitement left? Would your heart still be full? After all, a wedding is a mean towards the end. And that end is marriage! When the wedding becomes the end, and the marriage a necessary side-effect, maybe it’s best that you take some time to rethink engagement.
How NOT to Drop Hints When You Want to Get Engaged
Okay, so we’ve gotten that big question out of the way! I know it’s a lot to think about. I also know I may have brought you a bit deeper into your emotions than you were hoping to go in a photography blog. But just like Hunter said in Part 1 when he encouraged readers to consider whether or not they were really ready to be engaged, we believe that marriage is a sacred thing, and not to be undertaken lightly.
But… if you’re still reading, then you’ve answered the first question and YES – you do want a marriage and not just a wedding. Yay! Now it’s time to make sure that your partner knows that! But believe it or not, we don’t believe in “dropping hints”, or at least not in the traditional sense.
It’s no secret that communication is often the single most difficult part of any relationship. And at a crossroads as crucial as engagement, it doesn’t get any easier. However, we’re fans of honest and open communication, even when it’s difficult. Especially when it’s difficult. We think that communicating that you’re ready for engagement by sending your partner links to your local jewelry store every time they have a sale isn’t helpful. And looking at your friends’ engagement photos and saying in a loud voice “WOW, DOESN’T THAT LOOK NICE?!” is not the best strategy for clear and healthy communication 😂
It’s All About Expectations
Instead, if you feel like you’re ready to begin talking about marriage and moving things to the next step, that’s obviously not a decision that you get to make alone! Find a time when the two of you can sit down and have a real and serious conversation. Talk about where you both see the relationship moving, and what your expectations are for the future.
Notice that I didn’t say, “if you have expectations for the future”, but, “what your expectations are”. Everyone has expectations. Whether conscious or subconscious, whether realistic or ridiculous, everyone has expectations. In fact, most relational conflict comes from missed expectations. And we’re speaking from experience here: it’s easy for your significant other to miss your expectations if they have no idea what they are!
Setting Expectations for When They Might Propose
If you are secretly hoping to be engaged in the next 6 months and married by next summer, but your partner hasn’t even begun thinking about engagement and doesn’t want to be married for a few more years, it’s better to have that conversation now than for you sit around and wait, slowly getting more and more irritated as he doesn’t “pick up on the hints”. Voicing our expectations has always been an incredibly helpful conversation tool for Hunter and I. And that’s especially true for big and important issues. Save yourself a ton of stress by just saying what you’re expecting. Then have an open and honest conversation about that!
Also, keep in mind that just because you set an expectation doesn’t mean that there is no longer any magic or element of surprise left. Hunter and I had this conversation a few times in the year before our engagement. We agreed that our relationship was “it” and that we were heading towards marriage. But he was still able to plan and execute an incredible surprise proposal several months later! You don’t have to be boring to know what is going on, or completely spontaneous to have magic in a relationship. You can have open and helpful dialogue and your Pinterest board full of engagement rings!
Tool #1: Empathy
If you’ve made it this far, then congratulations! Not only are you focused on the joys of marriage more than the wedding, but you’ve also opened some channels of communication instead of just dropping a few hints. You know that your relationship is on it’s way to engagement. Now it’s only a matter of time before your partner gets down on one knee! Now it’s time for everyone’s two favorite things: empathy and patience! “Wait, what!? Those things aren’t fun at all – they’re, like, really hard. Boooo” ( 👈 What you’re probably thinking).
And you’re absolutely right. But patience and empathy are so necessary in this phase. If you find yourself ready for engagement far ahead of your partner, empathy is the first place to turn. Feel with them. Step into their shoes and feel how scary this decision is for them. What in their past might contribute to this? Hunter and I had dated for 5 years before we got engaged, and he told me just before he got down on one knee that he had known for exactly two years that he was going to marry me. But he was still nervous in the months leading up to it, and even scared as the big day approached. We had been together for years, and he still wondered if he was making the right decision. (Spoiler alert: he did 😉)
Tool #2: Patience
Patience is the other key during this phase. You can send your partner links to this blog series (and we sincerely hope that you do). But it will still take time for them to be ready. After all, if your partner proposes just as a response to your insistence, the entire process – from the emotions of it to the ask itself – will be less genuine than you’d both want. So, don’t let your desire to be engaged or your desire to be married overtake your desire for a healthy and happy relationship! Plus, engagement rings typically aren’t cheap, and it may take time for them to save for one that you’ll like.
We sincerely hope that this has helped some some of you out there wondering when he/she will propose. In the next section, Hunter will re-take the wheel and give some advice to help select the perfect location for the proposal. Until then, happy waiting, you patient people!
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Check out the rest of the series at the links below!
- How to Propose Part 1: “Should I get engaged?”
- How to Propose Part 2: How to pick the right engagement ring
- How to Propose Part 3: “When should I propose?”
- How to Propose Part 4: “When will he propose?”
- How to Propose Part 5: Where to propose (in Charlottesville)
- How to Propose Part 6: How to Propose to Your Girlfriend/Partner
- How to Propose Part 7: How to Plan a Proposal Weekend in Charlottesville
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