Back in June of 2021, I got to do something truly special. When my older brother Tanner and his now-wife Jess eloped in upstate New York with just 7 guests present, they asked me to officiate their wedding. Despite having been a campus pastor for a year, trained in preaching and writing sermons, the task of writing and preparing a marriage ceremony still felt daunting.

 

However, at that point, Sarah and I were just a few weeks away from our 4th wedding anniversary, and had been together for just shy of 10 years. We had spent much of that time actively working on our relationship, reading books when we could, and seeking advice and wisdom from every happily-married couple we could. In the end, we fell back on the three pieces of marriage advice that our pastor and his wife — the ones who married us on our wedding day — had given us during our very first session of pre-marital counseling.

 

I worked those pieces of relationship advice — our “Top 3 Marriage Tips”, if you will — into Jess and Tanner’s ceremony. And now that our wedding season is over and we have time to begin blogging more content for our couples, these three tips feel like the perfect thing to share! The three important concepts are: oneness, high regard, and covenant. This week, we’re addressing high regard!

 

 

Relationship Advice #2: High Regard

The second piece of marriage advice that I gave to Jess and Tanner that day was this: do everything you can to cultivate a high regard for each other in your marriage. In other words, fight for the internal mindset of deeply respecting and admiring your spouse. It’s not hyperbole or exaggeration to say that everything in your marriage will be different if you hold your partner in the highest regard.

 

In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he tells the married couples of Ephesus to “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Wives, specifically, are called to submit to the unique role of headship that God has entrusted to their husband, while husbands are called to love their wives sacrificially, even to the point of giving up their lives and dying to protect their wife. Yet, you will find it increasingly difficult to submit to OR die for someone whom you do not respect.

 

 

Not As Easy as It Sounds

And yes, I understand that, “Think well of your spouse” seems like obvious advice, but it’s not as simple as it sounds. I don’t just mean “like them” or “don’t think they’re stupid”. I mean wake up every single morning and tell yourself that you are the luckiest person in the entire world to be married to your spouse. Compliment them often. Forgive them easily, and forget their wrongs quickly after they’ve been forgiven. Give each other the benefit of the doubt, always assuming the best intentions. Don’t let there be a single person in the entire world that thinks more highly of your spouse than you do.

 

This will require that you’re always aware of the mental conversation you’re having about your spouse in your own head, because whatever you tell yourself about them will be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I told Tanner during his wedding ceremony that if he told himself every single morning that Jess was the most beautiful and kind-hearted woman he’d ever known, and treated her as such, it would cultivate an inner beauty and kindness in her that would reflect Tanner’s high regard. Likewise, I told Jess that if she constantly told herself that Tanner was the most caring and devoted husband a woman could ask for, over the course of the coming 5 or 20 or 50 years, that would become their reality.

 

But unfortunately, this principle works in reverse as well. If the conversation going on inside your head is about how nagging or unloving or unattractive or uncaring your spouse is, and you tell yourself that day after day — consciously OR subconsciously — for 5 or 20 or 50 years, then that will also become your reality.

 

 

Pick the Right “Data”

Because, here’s the thing… We are all sinful and broken people, myself definitely included. You don’t have to believe the words of the Bible to look around and see that no one is perfect, and that we all — whether intentional or unintentionally — hurt other people. And that goes double for spouses who live and one day parent together!

 

Because of this, you’ll have enough “data points” to support any number of possible views of your spouse. There will be times when they’re loving and gracious and kind. And there will be times when they lash out in frustration or say something very unloving. There will be times when they’re dressed up for a special occasion and they’re the most beautiful person in the world to you. And there will be times when they’re not exactly looking their best.

 

What matters most is what you choose to focus on, and which of those “data points” you’ll use to build the narrative as to WHO they ARE in your own head. Is your partner a loving, gentle, and kind person who has their rough moments? Or are they an evil, unloving, and uncaring person who just happens to be kind every now and then? Because you can look at the same exact person and come to either conclusion. So choose to hold them in high regard, and fight to think the absolute best of them. Every single day.

 

 

That’s all for today! Next weekend we’ll be tackling the final point in this mini-series of relationship advice: covenant. But until then, happy Saturday!

 

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Check out the rest of the series below!

• Top 3 Marriage & Relationship Tips: Oneness
• Top 3 Marriage & Relationship Tips: High Regard
• Top 3 Marriage & Relationship Tips: Covenant

 

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Want more content specifically for engaged couples?! Check out more here!